Another Waste of Time

The first few sentences of what is sure to become the next best-selling novel (at an astounding one fifth of a page) among people who work for the National Vehicle and Fuel Emissions Laboratory.

"The modern world is a wonderful thing. It has brought us such technological advancements as tazers, fool-proof plans, lids, and bigger (and consequently better) things. We have also been given the gift of the automotive industry. Cars, which were invented by God in the late 1300’s, then lost and rediscovered by Ford Lincoln-Mercury in a Kevin Costner movie called “The Postman,” are one of the most beloved inventions of the human race."

You can read the full post at my blog, you know where it is. And if you don't. I can't really help you. Sorry.

www.remindmetohityou.blogspot.com

breath- the cutting edge of health and wellbeingness

The following is an excerpt from Bradley’s Bloviations, the best in news and opinions from the world’s least accurate source. Taken from Breath, the foremost lifestyle page in La Mirada.

Summer is halfway over and temperatures are skyrocketing, putting a definite damper on the fitness craze which kicks off in late May. 117 degree temperatures, however, are still not a valid reason to forgo a regularly scheduled exercise routine—in fact, one stands to lose more weight through sweat on such a warm day.

Everyone knows that integral to keeping your body in shape is maintaining a steadily high metabolism. This is easily achieved by keeping your digestive system in use at all times. One of the main causes of a slow metabolism is an empty stomach during sleep. A handful of Cheetos just before bedtime is an easy solution to this problem.

More where this came from, folks. Read it here.

Or here.

Or here.

This one will work also.

And so will this.

I hate children

What's the most annoying thing you can think of besides a junior high guy? If you said a high school guy, you're probably an idiot. The right answer was clearly a junior high girl. Sure, Jr. High guys are immature and stupid, but the girls are just so freakin' needy. If I had to go back in time and live my pre-pubescent life over again, I would definitely skip year of my life lived as a 13 year old girl. Mainly because it's really weird to be anxiously awaiting your 15th birthday only to wake up and find out that not only are you a year younger, but you aren't even anatomically the same anymore. That caused a lot of confusion that I'm still dealing with as a 19 year old who can't quite tell if I'm a man, a boy, or a womanboy. I don't know if you've spent time around 13 year old girls lately, but they really aren't very pleasant. The first thing I notice about them is that everything they do seems to be a desperate cry for attention. At least boys do things just for fun and for the sake of being dumb, but girls can't even go to the bathroom without their posse in tow. Also, they seem to yell a lot for no reason. I'm not even talking about screaming, they yell in normal conversation. They sit two feet away from each other and yell so that everyone can hear their conversation, which never consists of anything people would want to eavesdrop on. I'm sorry but nobody cares whether or not the boy you have a crush on called you "poopy" the other day as a sign of affection. We get it, you want everyone to know you have the latest kiddie gossip and are clearly the coolest underage chic on the block. Really, everyone's jealous of how popular you are. Thirteen is that perfectly hideous age where girls are insecure enough to demand everyone notice them, yet shameless enough that they don't care how they get their coveted attention. In case anyone is wondering why I have all this pent up bitterness towards 13 year old girls, it's because they are really obnoxious.

Oh, and just for the record, boys aren't so great either. They smell bad, they have no brains, and they all think they're way cooler than they are. You can't be cool before you graduate high school, that's just the way it works.

the taste page

there are few things more refreshing or enjoyable than dining at a high-class establishment. but few people actually are aware of all the aspects that go into the creation of the delectable delicacies.

consider, for instance, the wait staff. a dedicated team of highly trained professionals, right? well, at first glance perhaps, but after noticing that your ostensibly beautiful waitress is hiding behind several feet of foundation, fighting the tobacco induced aging that makes her look 27 even though in actuality she is 19. who knows, she may even have some post-tensioned rebar buried somewhere underneath all those cosmetics. but that's just the primary hint.

the second comes when she opens her mouth to take your order. her voice croaks like the hinges on shakespeare's coffin. somehow you suspect that it may not be a frog stuck in her throat but a half carton of virginia slims. if you asked her friends, they'd tell you that after she got tired of wasting cigarettes from being pulled off break early she just started swallowing them whole. with enough determination, a bum could recover enough smokes on one good kiss to save enough for a refrigerator box under a dryer vent and a schwinn to haul it all around with. now that's the real deal.

so the next time you see that artistically arranged artichoke and turkey sandwich, be thankful that your waitress wasn't required to physically touch the food at any point with her hands. though the people who did are a different story...

Screw You, Feminazis!

This is an excerpt from a recent article written by me. It's about women and how they should be treated. The opinions expressed in my article are not the opinions of LATE, or any of their affiliates, sans me. At least not as far as you know. To read the full article click here. Or if you don't know how to click here, copy and paste this link into your web browser: remindmetohityou.blogspot.com
If you can not figure out how to click here or copy paste the link into your browser, than you have bigger problems that I can't help you with. I recommend starting with amatuer help and working your way up to professional as your problem worsens.

"The first topic covered will be physical violence. To anyone that knows me, this isn’t a surprise. It’s a fairly well known fact that physical violence is one of my favorite things. It ranks right behind loving Jesus and others and being a good Christian. Let’s face it; women have a nasty habit of speaking without being spoken too, which is a clear violation of mandate 114b-c subsection 4f, more affectionately known as the “shut up woman” clause of the How to Treat Women with Respect handbook."

Really, it's worth reading the whole thing. And just like the Men's Warehouse, I guarantee it.

world in flames

young man responds by starting humor blog
los angeles, ca-

amidst the increasingly tenuous hold on peace in our modern world, a young man is attempting to begin a revolution of his own- through comedy. bradley clarke, a film student at biola university and creator of the late night comedy television show LATE, believes that just as a soft answer turns away wrath, so a snide remark will turn away hezbollah.

according to mr. clarke, the best way to defeat an enemy is merely to ignore his existence. "it's like when you were a little kid and your babysitter kept you in your room with threats of the boogeyman. as soon as i figured out the boogeyman couldn't get me because he didn't exist, i had all the cookies after 8.30 pm that i wanted! thanks to our postmodern understanding that things are only true because everyone else around us says it’s true, if all my friends and i decided that the terrorists didn’t exist, we’d get off scott free! i mean, once peter pan and tinkerbell convinced wendy and her brothers they could fly, there was no problem. a simple case of mind over matter. and laws of physics.”

in further consideration of mr. clarke’s remarks, we find that his logic is incontrovertible. let us be the first to tell you not to worry about terrorists. also, it would probably be a great idea to invest in LATE, because its value is bound to increase exponentially in the immediate future. everyone knows it.

from Bradley Clarke's blog. visit him at bradleyclarke.blogspot.com

This is only the beginning

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You love LATE.

Well, just for you, we've created blogs. Humor untainted, direct from the minds of the writers themselves.

So have at it. Enjoy yourself.

LATE. Wit. Humor. Excellence.