LATE

Creativity

2007-02-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

The funny thing about irony is that it strikes when you least expect it. Like, for instance, if one were to title something "creativity" and then stare at a blank page for several minutes, not thinking of a single thing to write. Another example of irony is if you have a housewife who's husband needs his nice pants washed so she puts them through the laundry then makes sure all the wrinkles are gone so he looks good for his promotion. But what she doesn't know is that he wants to look handsome for his mistress, who is the wife's best friend. That kind of a situation involves both ironing and irony, at the same time. If that really happened though it would be sad.

Gangsta...

2007-02-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

It's hard out here for a pimp. At least I imagine it is. I'm not a pimp myself but sometimes I pretend I am and I have to compete against all the other pimps and make sure the cops don't catch me. If it's tough just imagining you're a pimp, I bet the real thing is killer. Sometimes literally.

I'm about to share one of my personal secrets so don't laugh please. Or at least laugh quietly to yourself instead of out loud so that other people run over to the computer to see what's so funny and you have to tell them what I said then they laugh too. Don't do that. My secret dream is to someday run away to the streets of LA and start my own gang. Not in one of those run down neighborhoods where most gangs are. Those neighborhoods are dirty and dangerous. My gang would operate out of a rich, expensive looking park in the middle of a nice neighborhood. We wouldn't be a mean gang either, we would be nice people who often baked for the neighbors. We would also treat women with respect instead of leering at them all the time. We would let people join, but only if they were rich and dressed well. I think I would like a very exclusive gang that caters to people of privilege. I would hire servants to do things for the members of my gang, like get them towels and drinks and clean up after them. There would also be no violence, only lots of relaxing things like pools and golf.

I think what I'm describing may be a country club, but to say I want to be the owner of a country club sounds pretentious and wussy. Calling it "an exclusive gang based on making the rich richer and keeping the poor oppressed in an effort to segregate ourselves from society" sounds just as pretentious, but a lot more fun.

Blogzored!

2007-02-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

I've become aware that I'm the only person on Earth who actually posts in this blog. Several people have the ability to, but they just don't. Ever. I guess they have nothing to say. Not like me. I always have something random or stupid to talk about. After all, weren't blogs invented so that people could post random crap on the internet? What other use is there? Maybe it can be used as a personal journal, but I don't think that's a good idea. I cannot stress this enough - the internet is not a good place to post personal thoughts and feelings. Especially if they are personal thoughts and feelings could cause drama if certain people read them. For example, teenage girls.

Teenage girls like to post about boys they like and about all the drama that goes with being a teenage girl. Since boys and drama are the only things that make up a teenage girls' life, their blogs are usually unbearably boring and long. They think that everyone wants to read about their heartache over the boy who they liked for a day before he talked once with their best friend, ending any chance at happiness or relationships between any of the parties involved. Life is pure cruelty. Rather than having a sit-down with their remaining girlfriends, they run home as fast as they can after school to post about it. What ensues is a radical exchange of witless banter that can only be described as "stupid." Schoolmates will hear a rumor at school, then check the blogging circuit ASAP to get the low-down on what the haps is. Then sides start getting taken, more friendships end, and at the end of the day the mother (who is surprisingly internet coherent) who asks the daughter how the situation is going gets yelled at because apparently posting on a blog means that you own that part of the internet and people aren't allowed to read it unless they have express written permission.

Needless to say, teenage girls are really dumb. And despite that fact that they make up a large part of the blogging community, they don't offer anything to that community other than a huge waste of time. Which is slightly less than what they offer to real communities. Because in real communities, they are free labor.

New Years Resolutions: All Good Ones Take This Long To Think Of

2007-01-17T23:02:00.000-08:00

Since I forgot all about the new year until just now, I think it's still appropriate to put some resolutions up. These are not just for me, but for anyone who reads anything on the internet from now to eternity. They are in no particular order. Well, I guess it's fair to say that they are in the order I wrote them, which is the order I thought of them in.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:

1. I will stop obnoxiously walking nowhere very slowly. If I do not know where I'm going, I will stop somewhere off to the side and wait until I do know to start walking around. People hate it when I walk in random directions at slow speeds because I am an idiot that is looking for something I will never find. (probably happiness)

2. I will stop using pepper spray just because someone hurt my feelings.

3. I will wake up every morning and tell myself that I look good and that I am a worthwhile person that is liked by other people.

4. I will stop lying to myself and either make all those things true, or stop telling them to myself.

5. I will start doing illegal drugs.

6. I will stop treating people like they are animals, and instead treat animals like they are people.

7. I will burn everything in my life that causes me pain, no matter what it is or how much it screams.

8. I will make friends with at least one person who can benefit me socially.

9. (If you are single) I will talk to one attractive person of the opposite sex and ask them on a date. If I am a more traditionally minded girl, I will shamelessly flirt with one attractive member of the opposite sex until they ask me on a date.

(If you are in a relationship of some kind) I will break up with my significant other and follow previous instructions.

10. I will think long and hard about next year's New Years Resolutions so that they are not nearly as pathetic.

Special K

2006-08-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever wondered what regular K tastes like? I bet it's really good. Not that we'll ever know, since Kellogg has decided to cover up it's existence and replaced it with something they proclaim to be "special." What I want to know, is what kind of special do they mean? Is it lets-ride-the-short-bus, finger-painting-through-high-school, I-still-poop-myself-at-15 special? Or is it I'm-super-talented, everyone-loves-me, I-have-so-freaking-much-to-offer-the-world special? Either way I think we are being duped into eating a cereal that tastes like crap.

If it's the first kind of special, and I think it is, then what does that mean? Did they name it that because they think people are that stupid for buying it? Is it meant to imply that the ingestor is mentally challenged? I think they should just drop the political correctness and call it retarded K. Lets face it, they do kinda look like the "special" younger brothers of corn flakes. This way there will be no confusion when consuming the product. I mean, how will little Billy feel later in life when he finds out that the cereal he got so excited about to get as a kid because he thought it made him extraordinary was only bought for him because it was ironic and his parents got a huge kick out of it? He will probably feel exactly what he is - retarded. And also sad.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe special K is supposed to make you extraordinary. Well it doesn't work. I know a lot of people who eat it and they aren't so great. They aren't dumb or anything, just regularordinary. I guess that's what happens when you create a magical cereal that makes people special. Everyone becomes so special that special becomes bland, just like the taste of special K. It's a lose-lose-win-tie-lose situation, and nobody can understand what that means. Needfull to say, I'd rather have raisin bran any day of the week. And twice on Sunday.

for more on butterflies, go to www.remindmetohityou.blogspot.com

Guy Humor

2006-08-02T23:10:00.001-07:00

The following is an excerpt from The Adventures of Anthony, concerning one of LATE's most intrinsic features: humor.

hu-mor (n.)
1. The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness
2. That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement
3. The ability to perceive, enjoy, or express what is amusing, comical, incongruous, or absurd.

But there is a term used just as frequently that is less definable, yet you know exactly what it means. This being the phrase "guy humor".

Right away you have a vague idea of what this describes. Guy humor is basically known to be crude, dirty, physical in nature, and often at the expense of others. When you think of guy humor you think of burps, farts, the slapstick of The Three Stooges, practical jokes, and painful blows to the groinal region.

So then, I ask you: if this is guy humor ... what is girl humor???

To read the rest, visit The Adventures of Anthony.

Those Crazy Psychopomps

2006-08-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

Did you know that many sets of religious beliefs have a particular spirit, deity, demon, or angel whose responsibility is to escort newly-deceased souls to the afterlife? These creatures are called psychopomps, from the Greek word ψυχοπομπóς (psuchopompos), literally meaning the "guide of souls".

Now that you know this, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Gee, I wish there was some sort of short, animated, student film that features a pyschopomp in a humorous situation that will both brighten my day and help me understand the deep mysteries of life." But wait!! There is!! Be sure to check out LATE Entertainment's Dinner With Death! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You're life will never be the same!

http://www.dinnerwithdeath.com

Respect the Beard

2006-08-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

Here is the startling, but unquestionable truth:
The quality and/or success of your film is directly proportionate to the size and/or dimension of your beard.

This 100% true and logical hypothesis I present is unmistakably accurate and undeniably compelling. Please, for the sake of LATE and all entertainment out there ... read the truth and believe ... and then ... GROW A BEARD. I'm begging you.

Yes, even you girls.

Check out the evidence ... here.

Another Waste of Time

2006-07-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

The first few sentences of what is sure to become the next best-selling novel (at an astounding one fifth of a page) among people who work for the National Vehicle and Fuel Emissions Laboratory.

"The modern world is a wonderful thing. It has brought us such technological advancements as tazers, fool-proof plans, lids, and bigger (and consequently better) things. We have also been given the gift of the automotive industry. Cars, which were invented by God in the late 1300’s, then lost and rediscovered by Ford Lincoln-Mercury in a Kevin Costner movie called “The Postman,” are one of the most beloved inventions of the human race."

You can read the full post at my blog, you know where it is. And if you don't. I can't really help you. Sorry.

www.remindmetohityou.blogspot.com

breath- the cutting edge of health and wellbeingness

2006-07-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from Bradley’s Bloviations, the best in news and opinions from the world’s least accurate source. Taken from Breath, the foremost lifestyle page in La Mirada.

Summer is halfway over and temperatures are skyrocketing, putting a definite damper on the fitness craze which kicks off in late May. 117 degree temperatures, however, are still not a valid reason to forgo a regularly scheduled exercise routine—in fact, one stands to lose more weight through sweat on such a warm day.

Everyone knows that integral to keeping your body in shape is maintaining a steadily high metabolism. This is easily achieved by keeping your digestive system in use at all times. One of the main causes of a slow metabolism is an empty stomach during sleep. A handful of Cheetos just before bedtime is an easy solution to this problem.

More where this came from, folks. Read it here.

Or here.

This one will work also.

And so will this.

I hate children

2006-07-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

What's the most annoying thing you can think of besides a junior high guy? If you said a high school guy, you're probably an idiot. The right answer was clearly a junior high girl. Sure, Jr. High guys are immature and stupid, but the girls are just so freakin' needy. If I had to go back in time and live my pre-pubescent life over again, I would definitely skip year of my life lived as a 13 year old girl. Mainly because it's really weird to be anxiously awaiting your 15th birthday only to wake up and find out that not only are you a year younger, but you aren't even anatomically the same anymore. That caused a lot of confusion that I'm still dealing with as a 19 year old who can't quite tell if I'm a man, a boy, or a womanboy. I don't know if you've spent time around 13 year old girls lately, but they really aren't very pleasant. The first thing I notice about them is that everything they do seems to be a desperate cry for attention. At least boys do things just for fun and for the sake of being dumb, but girls can't even go to the bathroom without their posse in tow. Also, they seem to yell a lot for no reason. I'm not even talking about screaming, they yell in normal conversation. They sit two feet away from each other and yell so that everyone can hear their conversation, which never consists of anything people would want to eavesdrop on. I'm sorry but nobody cares whether or not the boy you have a crush on called you "poopy" the other day as a sign of affection. We get it, you want everyone to know you have the latest kiddie gossip and are clearly the coolest underage chic on the block. Really, everyone's jealous of how popular you are. Thirteen is that perfectly hideous age where girls are insecure enough to demand everyone notice them, yet shameless enough that they don't care how they get their coveted attention. In case anyone is wondering why I have all this pent up bitterness towards 13 year old girls, it's because they are really obnoxious.

Oh, and just for the record, boys aren't so great either. They smell bad, they have no brains, and they all think they're way cooler than they are. You can't be cool before you graduate high school, that's just the way it works.

the taste page

2006-07-22T05:37:00.000-07:00

there are few things more refreshing or enjoyable than dining at a high-class establishment. but few people actually are aware of all the aspects that go into the creation of the delectable delicacies.

consider, for instance, the wait staff. a dedicated team of highly trained professionals, right? well, at first glance perhaps, but after noticing that your ostensibly beautiful waitress is hiding behind several feet of foundation, fighting the tobacco induced aging that makes her look 27 even though in actuality she is 19. who knows, she may even have some post-tensioned rebar buried somewhere underneath all those cosmetics. but that's just the primary hint.

the second comes when she opens her mouth to take your order. her voice croaks like the hinges on shakespeare's coffin. somehow you suspect that it may not be a frog stuck in her throat but a half carton of virginia slims. if you asked her friends, they'd tell you that after she got tired of wasting cigarettes from being pulled off break early she just started swallowing them whole. with enough determination, a bum could recover enough smokes on one good kiss to save enough for a refrigerator box under a dryer vent and a schwinn to haul it all around with. now that's the real deal.

so the next time you see that artistically arranged artichoke and turkey sandwich, be thankful that your waitress wasn't required to physically touch the food at any point with her hands. though the people who did are a different story...

Screw You, Feminazis!

2006-07-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from a recent article written by me. It's about women and how they should be treated. The opinions expressed in my article are not the opinions of LATE, or any of their affiliates, sans me. At least not as far as you know. To read the full article click here. Or if you don't know how to click here, copy and paste this link into your web browser: remindmetohityou.blogspot.com
If you can not figure out how to click here or copy paste the link into your browser, than you have bigger problems that I can't help you with. I recommend starting with amatuer help and working your way up to professional as your problem worsens.

"The first topic covered will be physical violence. To anyone that knows me, this isn’t a surprise. It’s a fairly well known fact that physical violence is one of my favorite things. It ranks right behind loving Jesus and others and being a good Christian. Let’s face it; women have a nasty habit of speaking without being spoken too, which is a clear violation of mandate 114b-c subsection 4f, more affectionately known as the “shut up woman” clause of the How to Treat Women with Respect handbook."

Really, it's worth reading the whole thing. And just like the Men's Warehouse, I guarantee it.

world in flames

2006-07-20T01:22:00.000-07:00

young man responds by starting humor blog
los angeles, ca-

amidst the increasingly tenuous hold on peace in our modern world, a young man is attempting to begin a revolution of his own- through comedy. bradley clarke, a film student at biola university and creator of the late night comedy television show LATE, believes that just as a soft answer turns away wrath, so a snide remark will turn away hezbollah.

according to mr. clarke, the best way to defeat an enemy is merely to ignore his existence. "it's like when you were a little kid and your babysitter kept you in your room with threats of the boogeyman. as soon as i figured out the boogeyman couldn't get me because he didn't exist, i had all the cookies after 8.30 pm that i wanted! thanks to our postmodern understanding that things are only true because everyone else around us says it’s true, if all my friends and i decided that the terrorists didn’t exist, we’d get off scott free! i mean, once peter pan and tinkerbell convinced wendy and her brothers they could fly, there was no problem. a simple case of mind over matter. and laws of physics.”

in further consideration of mr. clarke’s remarks, we find that his logic is incontrovertible. let us be the first to tell you not to worry about terrorists. also, it would probably be a great idea to invest in LATE, because its value is bound to increase exponentially in the immediate future. everyone knows it.

from Bradley Clarke's blog. visit him at bradleyclarke.blogspot.com

This is only the beginning

2006-07-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

Oyez, oyez, oyez. You love wit. You love humor. You love excellence.

You love LATE.

Well, just for you, we've created blogs. Humor untainted, direct from the minds of the writers themselves.

So have at it. Enjoy yourself.

LATE. Wit. Humor. Excellence.